* For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

* Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

* I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

* If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

* Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

* Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.

* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...

* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

* When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

* If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

* I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

* Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

* Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

* Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

* OK, so what's the speed of dark?

* Black holes are where God divided by zero.

...the F.D.A. for turning water into wine without a license,

...the E.P.A. for killing fig trees,

...the Dept. of Natural Resources for His claim of being the Fountain of Living Water,

...the A.M.A. for practising medicine without a license,

...the Dept. of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness, and for His claim to be the Bread of Life,

...the N.E.A. for teaching without a certificate,

...by O.S.H.A. for walking on water without a life jacket and for flying without an airplane,

...the S.P.C.A. for driving hogs into the sea,

...P.E.T.A. for dining on roasted lamb on the Passover dinner,

...the National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advise on how to live a guilt-free life,

...the N.O.W. for not choosing a woman apostle,

...the Abortion Rights League for saying that whoever harms children, it is better that they had never been born,

...the Ecumenical/Inter-'Faith' Movement for condemning all false gods and 'religions',

...the Zoning Department for building mansions without a permit..

...the Bureau of Land Management for spending forty days in the wilderness without authorization,

...the B.A.T.F. for having un-registered swords in His company of disciples,

...the Federal Aviation Administration for not filing NOTAMS (notice to all airmen) and not getting clearance upon His ascent into Heaven,

...by the United Nations for His claim to be KING of Kings and LORD of Lord's...

...the Resource Management Act for predicting to build a temple without a certificate.

1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH Speedometer.

2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.

4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.

6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.

7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a of pretty colors and lights.

8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

9. AOL car mechanics would have no experience whatsoever in car repair.

10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
13. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

14. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

15. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.

16. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?

17. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

18. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.

19. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

10. Apologize to neighbors about the tripwire incident...
offer to replace dog.
9. Take up pork & beans skeet shooting.
8. Gather recipes for Spam, dehydrated potatoes, and crow.
7. Cancel subscription to Stockpilers Quarterly,
but keep the free can opener.
6. Convert weapons back to semi-auto.
5. Pitch "1000 Ideas for Wheat Gluten" to Martha Stewart's people.
4. Return 753 videos to Blockbuster.
3. Water yard...one lousy gallon at a time.
2. Find grocery store receipt for 10,000 packets of Ramen noodles.
....drum roll, please...
1. Make friends with the 6 billion other Y2K survivors.