We need to hear from the Lord. Yesterday, we met with the team of doctors down at UC Davis. They confirmed that our son, due on Oct 2, does in fact have an under developed left heart and will not live after birth for more then a couple of hours or days, in their experience without immediate surgery. They told us that it was as bad as they had suspected here and they suspect even worst because they believe a second even more deadly condition is forming in his heart, a narrowing of the blood-way between his two upper chambers, which will require an immediate surgery prior to the first three they informed us of, which will weaken him and reduce his chances of surviving the next surgery required within the first couple of days after birth. We are scheduled to go back down to Davis again in a couple of weeks, at that time they should know if this additional condition has developed. Other then that the baby appears fine, it should not be born with any brain damage, down syndrome, or any other birth defects as far as they suspect, they can't be sure at this point and without further testing. We will praise the Lord for what ever He allows to come our way, I mention the downs syndrome, because that was also an initial concern they had. They told us they would normally recommend a test for down syndrome at this point, but it would only be informational, because one we would not abort the child, two it is to late if we were inclined that way, and three it does not effect their decision as to the surgery options they are offering, so we declined that test, as I said we will accept what we receive and we will praise the Lord.
We told the doctors with many tears that we were confident the Lord would not present us with anything we could not bare up under, and that we would be able to do our part, that He would give us the strength, but with many tears, because of the memories this brought back and the suffering that was involved with the birth of our first son (Mason), and him needing open heart surgery a month after birth and later a kidney transplant. And mainly just because of our concern and not wanting to see this little guy suffer so much or have such a hard way, and because he is already a part of our family and has been now for these last few months. We already love him. Mason, also needs continuous prayers, his kidney transplant is steadily deteriorating, his labs are very close to the point at which they preceded with the kidney transplant before. Mason's doctor's are saying that at this point we just wait, we can't know if they will function for a few weeks or a couple of years longer. And we need prayers that the two situations will not overlap each other and become more then we can bare. Also, there is the concern that my own heart will hold up, so my wife needs most of the prayers, she has the most on her mind and I need prayers that the Lord will strengthen my mortal body, so I can have the physical strength to help her through all this, and the weakness in myself so that the Lord maybe strong and live more in me, and be more available to her through me, so that I would speak His words and not mine, let His love flow to her and not mine, nor my wisdom, but the wisdom of the Spirit. And so that I would not worry, for I know the Lord will be a better father and provider to my family then I could or have ever been, but knowing this and even knowing He has spoken this to me in times past when I started having my heart trouble, is not the same as being able to live it. The enemy has been attacking me with this issue again, to test my faith in the promises that God has made to me concerning my family, in times past.
After all the tests yesterday, the doctor's spent the last three hours explaining to us two of the three options they have available to offer us. They also need us to provide them with our decision. They, for differing reasons, require you to pick one of the three options, you can't go with one and wait on another or pick two. One option is to go on a list for a heart transplant. They will be putting us in contact with heart transplant doctor to brief us on this option, the heart transplant doctor was not available yesterday to cover this option with us, and it was not the others doctor's specialty so they declined to say much about it. They did say it has the same survival rate as the second option, based on the baby surviving the surgery combined with whether a heart would become available before the baby dies or becomes to weak to have the transplant surgery, a 70-80% survival rate. Also, I suspect that a transplant does not last long, they could not tell us yesterday how long on average a transplanted heart will last or how severely the child's growth will be effected by the anti-rejection drugs, nor the ongoing medical care involved. Another option I will call the second consists of three surgeries, starting at birth thru age 2-3 years, and then a heart transplant around age 18-20 years old. The first surgery at birth (all open heart surgeries) will require the baby to be in the hospital at UCS for a least a month. Then a second surgery with a couple week stay in the hospital at age 2-3 months, then the third with another couple of weeks stay at about age 2-3 years. Then the child would grow fairly normally with some restrictions until his body and physical needs start placing more load on his heart then it can provide, at which point it would start a course of deterioration, and his physical activates would start being more and more limited until he could receive a heart transplant operation. They suspect around age 18-20 years, they do not know, because they have not been doing these operations long enough to have more then about a 10 year history of patients to study. With this second option they basically use the right side of the heart to be the pump for providing blood to the lungs and the body and receive blood from the body, so the one pump with two chambers instead of four then pumps blood that is mixed with both oxygenated and un-oxygenated blood to the body. As each operation is preformed the oxygen rate being provided to the body increases. It's to complicated to explain without all the charts and a few hours of explanation, but it has to be done in three operations, and then it deteriorates at a midway point toward transplant consideration, but the child can expect to have a fairly normal growth and life for sometime, with a future medical hope of a transplant option. It seems to be the best option so far. The third option is to make the baby comfortable and let it die. Now, it never occurred to me to consider the third option and I don't want you to think that it is any thing I am leaning toward now. But, to be honest with you we are probably not in the best of condition emotionally at this point and physically we are beginning to feel sick. Today the most prominent thought we had, both me and Sukki, was that we need to hear from the Lord, to know what He is speaking and what and how He would have us proceed. The thought I had today was that until I heard from the Lord in person or through the body, I would be playing God in all these decisions or replacing God or proceeding without knowing His will for us and our son. So this is why I am contacting you all.
We are waiting to hear from the Lord. The Lord may speak to me and my wife in person or in person through His body. It's been my experience in the last couple of years He usually does both to clarify His speaking and will for us in any situation when we inquire of Him and seek Him first, in all that He allows to past before us, so He can gain further ground in us, and be formed in us more and more, and be glorified in us, and transform us into His image, from one degree of His glory to another (from glory to glory). We realize we can not proceed without the Lord's leading, we can not follow without hearing from Him and seeing which direction He is proceeding in. We do not want to go off in our own direction, we do not want to be found playing God, although I suspect we are already being pulled in that direction, because the lawless one in the last days is found sitting in the temple of God, and as John said we are in the last days, and to be seated is to be enthroned in the temple of God, and be there so called temples of God, God today is only building one true temple of God. Not a temple cut with human hands, but a temple built with living stones, this is the only true temple God is building, us, the church, we are that temple, in which the lawless one must be revealed. So we need prayers that we will not be like the ones the Lord will call workers of lawlessness, ones that operate under their own power and the knowledge of good from the source of death, but instead ones who are workers of the law of the Life Giving Spirit. Ones who are only vessels created for good works, not our works of dirty rags, but branches firmly attached to the Vine to bare the fruit of the Vine, the fruit of the Spirit, and not proceeding without the leading of the Lord who is Spirit.
So we know the Lord will speak to us and lead us if we will wait. For we know He is living and active, calling us to hear His voice while it is today, knowing that He is able to divide our soul from our spirit which contains His Holy Spirit. For we also know that the Lord has come in the flesh and is coming in the flesh. He became the Life Giving Spirit, the Lord Spirit, the Anointing (the Christ), the comforter to dispense Himself into us, the body, for the building of His church, for the making ready of His bride, His wife, the New Jerusalem. We know the Lord will speak to us through His vessels, and you are His vessels. We know that we and our decisions to be made, and the course we would take, the following of Him, will not be complete without the portion or speaking that the Lord gives each one of you for us and the body. We also know that it is hard to recognize the Lord at times, to see that it is Him. Mary in the garden did not recognize the Lord at first, as the gardener, the Lord had to say to Mary, Mary it's Me (the Lord). The disciples didn't recognize the Lord as they walked with Him many miles as the traveler, when they recognized Him after the braking of bread, they said didn't our hearts burn inside as He spoke to us. At the seashore, one recognized Him and swam to Him, the others said, we wanted to ask Him if it was Him, but we were afraid to because we knew it was Him. So we need your prayers that we would recognize the Lord's speaking to us in the brothers and sisters. Recognize The Anointing (The Christ) coming in the flesh, the speaking of the brothers and sisters from the one and self same Spirit. We also need prayers that all the brothers and sisters would seek the Lord about this suffering and trial we are going through, because if we are part of the body, then the whole body is effected by what effects a part of the body, and that the body would seek the Lord, and provide us if just what speaking they are confident is from the Lord who is the Spirit. That the body would consider us and weep with us as we are weeping.
With the goal of hearing from the Lord on these matters and decisions our family is facing, and consequently the whole body of the Lord for we are one in Him. I would like to ask the following of you. Please pray about this matter, seek the Lord for us and with us, that we might know His will. The Lord speaks through His body, is to be glorified in His body, the church, us, and is to have His image in us, in His body. To have His expression in the body or His essential reality, Himself, His glory in the church. Seek the Lord and then speak to us what the Lord is speaking to you all. Confirm to us what decision we are to provide the doctor's with, what option we are to choose if these are our only options. We are not even sure if these are even the options the Lord would have us pursue or if one of these options is the course the Lord will take, because we know it is possible for the Lord to do a miracle, if it is His will or He is willing in this situation. Yet, we are not Jews in the sense that we require a miracle, we will just except His will, knowing that He knows better for us, and loves us and provides for us the best, and not with the understanding, wisdom, or providing of an earthly father, but of a Heavenly Father. We do also not want to be found as the gentiles seeking or pursuing a course based in knowledge or the wisdom of men, we want to hear from the Lord. We want to hear from the Lord speaking through His vessels. So if the Lord puts anything on your heart, gives you any speaking for us, please email us at mikesmith0101@hotmail.com or make a post to this thread. Please do not think we are asking for financial support or aid, we just want to hear from the Lord as to what we should do, what decisions we should make, we are not concerned about Him providing if we are seeking Him first (The King) and His Kingdom, He has always provided for us, even when we were not seeking Him, when we didn't know better.
For now we are waiting, for now we are confident we will endure in the Lord in all of this and it will work for our good, because we love Him, we try, not that we really have loved Him, but we know that He has loved us. So Lord please speak to us about this matter concerning our son, one of your little sons. Also, you are in our prayers, I have been reading about some of your (our) situations, and please understand if I don't get back to any of my posts for a few days.
I didn't get a pm from you. Try emailing me at mikesmith0101@hotmail.com.
Brothers and sisters,
Thank-you all so much for your prayers. The Lord is answering your prayers. Even though things have gotten much tougher, I am finding a real peace in the situation. Me and my wife took a couple of days to just try and relax. We were in a kind of shock about it all when we left the doctors office. Yesterday, my wife told me she was thinking that option three was the option she was going to choose. This came as quite a shock to me. The enemy really came at me then. I had terrible nightmares of her trying to kill the baby. My flesh nature really reared up and I had thoughts like; I will hate her if she does this, I started thinking of what I could do, what legal actions and recourse I had, etc. I am so lawless, I always want to give up on the Lord and go off on my own when things happen. I always want to turn to my own power and not trust in Him, and deny myself. I talked to a brother about it and I can really see now how that would just cause further division, resentment, hate, bitterness, etc., all things that are not of the Lord, not His working or fruit. It's hard to see how evil our ways are even when we have a good cause or reason for our actions. Hard to see how different the Lord's ways are compared to ours, how His ways are not our ways.
But, I have been hearing the same thing from the Lord in all of you; be still, deny yourself, repent to the Lord when these thoughts come, to not act on them, just listen for the Lord's speaking and speak what the Lord speaks. So for now I am just being pretty much silent about it and just praying for my wife, not at her, but for her. She is really suffering, it's all over her face, she is miserable, and the little bit I tried to speak to her just made her very angry. At first, I was very hurt by this and couldn't believe it. But, your prayers are working and I have a peace about it all for now.
I feel like the Lord is directing me toward option two, but I am just going to wait on Him. When He speaks and acts, His speaking will carry His authority and power. I started to feel very angry and helpless when my wife told me she is choosing option three. But, in all that you have said to me in private emails, phone calls from brothers in my area, I am able to just have a peace about things, to just wait on the Lord for His miracles, His speaking, His doing, His softening of hearts, etc. Knowing that He is in charge, that I am to reject my own soul and my will and wait for Him to move. I am not to try and work things out in my own power, but just keep praying, not be anxious, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let my requests be made known to God; so that the peace of God, which surpasses my understanding, will guard my heart and my thoughts in Christ Jesus. That I am to pray for His will and except His will, that He is able to have His will.
There is a constant battle going on inside of me and my wife. Shame, embarrassment, guilt, fear, self pity, unbelief at what is happening. We very much still need all of your prayers. I know this is a chance to gain more of Christ, to have Him formed more in us, to follow Him, and learn His ways. I know Christ will have the victory, but it's not so easy to keep the focus on Him in all this. Today, again after a bad day, I feel a very quite joy and calm inside, knowing that no matter how great the storm gets, I am in the boat with the Lord and the brothers and sisters. But, there is still the storm raging all around me or with in me. Pray that my wife finds this peace with us in the boat with the Lord. Please direct your prayers more for my wife, she is really going through it, she doesn't have so great of a faith formed in her to resist the darts of the enemy. She is isolating her self from me and others. I am also being pulled to withdraw and isolate myself from all the brothers and sisters and from her. But, I have been finding that when I fight that and seek out the brothers and sisters, I get a real clear speaking from the Lord through them, followed by a real peace, and ability to just praise the Lord and know He is God.
I so much thank you for all your prayers, emails, and your words from the Lord and your experiences of the Lord you have been sharing with me, it has been a real blessing, a real comfort, and a real Good Word. My wife needs this blessing, so please pray for her. I feel so helpless to help her, I can't believe we are being pulled apart and not together in this situation, that she wouldn't want to talk about it, or even have me hug her, and weep with her. Maybe, I just need to see how helpless I am, to see how powerful the Lord is, I don't know. So what can I do but nothing and just trust Him. Keep forgiving her, keep rejecting the thoughts of resentment, hate, fear for my son, wanting to act, etc. Just trust and wait on Him. Just keep telling the enemy to get be hind me, and praying the Lord will expose what is not of Him in me. Just pray for my wife and believe I will receive, that the Lord will gain her in this situation and that she will gain the Lord in this situation along with His joy and peace, and that we will both come to be one in Him.
My friend, I can feel your pain. But I can understand your wife's pain, too. She will surely feel the brunt of the guilt as the child's mother--blaming herself again and again. You must comfort her and allow her time to consider her options. Don't think that just because she disagrees with you that she is not being rational. This has got to be a worse decision for her than you. You need to listen to her and sympathize with her. She needs some assurance from you that another option is sound. She has gone through alot already with the other child. Can she survive this?
Our bodies are weakened by sin yet they are ours to take care of for the glory of God. We must also follow His design for our earthly bodies if we will deny self and do His will. The Lord does not force us to obey but he calls us to reason with Him as to which course will be for our happiness and which will prove our ruin. Only if we love Him can He work in our hearts and minds to cleans us from every detrimental thing. But if we do love Him then all things work together for good. God is still in control no matter how it feels right now. Lean on Him with all your weight. Trust Him.
One thing we can be certain of happening no matter what the outcome. God's will will be done. Nothing touches us unless it first touches Christ. He feels all our sorrows and partakes of all our grief. If something touches us it is by His permission and suits His purposes in our life. He bares the full force of the pain and passes to us a portion that we can bare. He is part of all our sufferings and has trodden the path before us. He is our strength. If you have asked Him to help then you must believe that He is at your side and with you at every step. This faith in His abiding presence is your proof that He is with you.
Things do not always turn out the way we envision them but if we ask God to take control then we must rest in the promise of His love and care for us. Do that which you feel is best for the glory of God and your wife. Don't think about yourself--think of her. What is best for her? How can you show her the love that Christ has for His church? Think long range. Then make your decision and leave it with God.
As for your own personal medical problems, we will talk more. There are things you may be able to do for yourself. Things that God has already provided to you that perhaps you have not known of or used to your advantage. Yet, God always provides and there is always hope if we are open to hear.
BTW, I knew a Mike Smith in Northern California that attended MBA in the 70's. I suppose that is not you. There must be thousands of Mike Smiths.
I will be praying to God about your situation. My heart aches for you. I know how it feels to lose a baby. My wife and I lost ours and never had another. We had no options, no choice. My heart breaks for you. Our Lord must be weeping tears over your grief. Just know that He loves you beyond our comprehension and our heavenly Father knows what it feels like to lose an only Son.
Well, I shouldn't keep you... your wife needs you now.
posted
Possibly, the PM (Private Message) feature of the Cafe requires that cookies be enabled in your browser. I am not certain but will check into it.
Again thank-you all for your prayers. Sunday the Lord sent my brother-in-law by on his way back from Alaska. He prayed with me and then went in and prayed with my wife. They had a good cry together and a good talk about all her fears and concerns. I could see what was attacking her was leaving. Over the last couple of days she has felt 100% better. We are talking about things together again and planning to go to San Francisco to ensure she delivers at UCSFMC and for option two surgery. I feel allot more at peace too.
Please say another prayer that we will keep focused on the Lord each minute of the day. I have always had a peace about option two, from the minute I asked the Lord about it, and still do after all the research we have done, but I want to stay open to the Lord at all times, hear Him and stay open to whatever course He takes. I what to keep focused on the Lord now that I have a mission, so to speak, and not go off planning things out in my own power. Pray also that the Lord will provide for our needs in San Francisco and for the needs of my children we will be leaving at home for the many weeks we will be gone. I know He will provide He always has. Again, thank-you all so much for your prayers. Praise the Lord! Oh, and please keep sharing with us any words the Lord puts on your heart.
Some brothers and sisters have even suggested that option three, letting the baby die after birth, would give the Lord the most room to work and do a miracle. I have to tell you that I have always felt option two was what the Lord was speaking to me, however, I also have to tell you that it scares me, because I don't believe I have the faith to select option three. This scares me that I know I don't have that much faith. It also scares me that option two just seems logical or natural two me. For example if you had a baby a couple hundred years ago and could not provide the baby with milk from the mother, it just seems natural that you would go get cow's or goat's milk for the baby, you would do what you could, you just wouldn't let it die without doing all you could, no matter what the cost or sacrifice to yourselves. But, it scares me because this seems to be the natural way or normal way to feel or proceed. On the other hand placing a baby, like baby Moses, in a basket and letting Him float down the river into the hands of the oppressors does not seem so natural as one brother commented. Anyway, keep praying that the Lord will make it very clear for us, and clear up any doubts, confirm things. I feel real confident and peaceful about option two, but I am sure someone could make the case that I am selecting this option based on a lack of faith and we and the doctor's are playing God. While others would make the case that this is how God is providing. Anyway, I really just want to take the Lord in this situation, I feel like this has happened to us a second time, because we didn't search out the Lord the first time when a similar tragedy hit our family. We didn't get was the Lord was trying to show us, teach us or gain in us.
I really hope you all don't mind me speaking so openly about this all to you. I just don't really have any concern for keeping up any kind of appearance with you, having a good name, worrying about how I look to you, letting my pride get in the way, etc., at this time. I know the Lord tells us it is important to have a good name and be in good standing before others, but somehow I don't feel this means I should appear or try to appear to be something to you that I am not, nor should I conceal my burdens from you, or not confess my sins and short comings with you all. I am really not sure what having a good name means if it doesn't mean being honest with my brothers and sisters, relying on the body of Christ, seeking advice from the body, needing the body, and turning to the Lord the best we can at the time, realizing we have no goodness in ourselves other then the Lord and the Lord in the body, no good name other then His name or person in us and the body. Anyway isn't that what the Lord is doing when He puts us in the fire, burning away what is not of Him, bring it to the top of the smelter and exposing and removing what is not of Him, what is not of gold and silver for His building, what in us needs to be exposed and burned up.
God is at work in your lives and you have blessed me beyond words as you have opened these incredible events to us.
Many would be bitter - even angry with God - by such circumstances. But you, Mike and Sukki, are being drawn more closely to Him. More conformed to his likeness than before.
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