We do not have a happy report to give. We've not been able to find a suitable candidate for this church, though we do have one promising prospect. Please note that we have checked three references on each one. The following is our confidential report on the present candidates.

Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Give's in to her whims too much.

Noah: former Pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream interpreting, and has a prison record.

Moses: Poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.

David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.

Solomon: Great preacher but is bigamist and has too many outside marriage affairs.

Elijah: Prone to depression - collapses under pressure.

Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.

Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.

Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, and reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.

Isaiah: On the fringe. Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.

Jonah: His references said he was swallowed by a great fish and was spit up on a shore nearby. We just hung up.

Amos: Unpolished...has hang ups about wealthy people... would do better in a poor congregation.

John: Has a weird diet and provokes denominational leaders.

Peter: Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

Paul: Preaches all night, short on tact and harsh. Has been thrown out of most towns he visits.

Timothy: Way too young.

Jesus: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to over 5,000 - he managed to offend them all and this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long and he is single.