House Church Talk - Amazing Science in the news

[jim sutton]

Inspired by the direction and quality of present day research, as well as the 
so-called "science news" stories in the print and broadcast media, I decided 
to write and share my own little fictional story.  

Remember, now, it's fiction.  Or is it?


Amazing Science in the News

LIGHTENING STRIKES TO THE HEAD  
CAUSE HUMANS TO SPEAK INTELLIGENTLY


[Transcript of CBS live interview with Dr. Tickles, aired on the Nightly News 
Report, February 13, 2004]

Ever wonder how human beings evolved the ability to speak so intelligently, to 
sing opera, and to report the news?  Well, one scientist may just have the 
answer.

According to Dr. ?Tickles? Wooflebreth of the Wilfurt Sanitarium Approach to 
Human Meaning Institute (WSAHMI), human beings may have developed speech after 
being struck in the head by lightening.  He developed his hypothesis while 
working as a maintenance technician at the Chambers of Artificial Holographic 
Rehabilitation Testing School (CHARTS) program in Gary, Indiana.

Dr. Wooflebreth, is it true that you were able to make your initial 
breakthrough while working as a night janitor at CHARTS -- while you were 
still doing correspondence-school graduate work for your doctorate?

"Yah. Oh, yah."

Tell us how that happened, Doctor.

"Vell, you know we gots the patients dere who vere needing some treatments. 
 And when I was done mit my werk of mopping der floors, I sometimes helped 
out, you know."

Now correct me, Dr. Wooflebreth, if I'm wrong, but as a student of the human 
bio-electrical system, you had been told when hired at CHARTS that you could 
study the patients in the sanitarium-school, so long as you kept all the 
floors mopped and waxed twice a week.  Is that true, Doctor?

"Yah.  So I tried the electro-shock treatments on some of them.  Especially if 
they had not responded to the shocks and treatments administered by the real 
doctors during the daytime.  Of course, I knew nossing about how the equipment 
verked, so I had to do a lot of experimenting.  It was a lot of fun.  Boy oh 
boy!"

So the real breakthrough came when you far exceeded the normal human capacity 
for electrical shock.  Right? 

"Yah.  Oh boy, they sing like little birdies, they do, if you give ?em enough 
voltage.  Heh heh."

There was trouble when some of the patients died from the late night 
treatments, wasn?t there?  

?Yah.  But CHARTS was able to smooth things over, receiving extra monies from 
PBS' NOVA series and from the Science Channel for my "ground-breaking" 
research into the human capacity for misery and pain.  And that money made a 
whole lot of difference.  Now they knew I was somebody.?

What happened next?

"Vell, anyway.  I was told to try and control myself a little bit, but to go 
ahead with the experiments, if I was done with all my cleaning verk.  Just 
like before.  

"So that's when I really jumped up the voltage, which fried the brains of most 
of my subjects.  Too bad for them.  But one man lived, anyways."

And it was the one patient who lived that you were able to use for your final 
doctorate project? 

"Yah.  Heh heh.  'Sparky' we called him, because... vell, you can guess why we 
called him Sparky, heh heh."

After completing your graduate work and earning your doctorate, Dr. 
Wooflebreth, you were added to the WSAHMI staff in East Los Angeles.  And 
there you were able to fully develop your hypothesis on the influences of 
electrical shock on the development of the human brain.  

You centered your attention on the relationship of electricity to the origins 
of human speech.  Is that right?

"Yah. Oh boy, they sing like little birdies, they do, if you give them enough 
voltage.  Heh heh."

Recruiting volunteers off the street, Dr. Tickles, you were able to work out 
many of the kinks in your earlier theories?  

?Yah.  And finally, I zeroed in on the theory that would engrave my name on 
the annals of human achievements.  I think they call it the ?Annals of Human 
Achievements? Award.?

And how did that research turn out?

"Oh boy, they sing like little birdies, when you give them enough juice.  Heh 
heh."

Anyway, tell us Dr. Wooflebreth, when did you know you had really solid 
evidence to support your view of the origins of human speech?

?Vell, you know we had to fry a lot of brains to get where we are today. 
 Nossing great comes without pain and suffering.  And boy, did they suffer! 
 Heh heh.  

?But we knew we had a good case when we ran out of volunteers.  Eventually, 
the word got around that our testing left people very different.  And not 
usually in a good way, these differences.  Some people started calling me, 
'Dr. Frankenheimer'...?

You mean, 'Frankenstein.'

"Whatever."

But you did have a series of successful experiemnts, right?  A measurable 
progress in evidences to give support to your arguments?  You know, the old 
?proof is in the pudding? kind of stuff?

?No, not really.  Never cared much for puddings, myself.  Always a Jello man, 
you know. ?J-E-L-L-O!?  

?Anyway, the funding ran out and the AMA was threatening to shut us down.  The 
neighbors were complaining about the burning smells every day.  And besides, 
our food bill at the Hamburger Shack was so high, they cut us off, the dirty 
birds.

?So we decided it was time to publish our papers, and tell the werld what we 
vere sinking.  So we had to sink up something.  We figured that the only vay 
to get that much voltage in Neanderthal times was to get a lightening strike 
on the head.  So dere you go, and that?s what we decided to say.?

Oh.  Really?  Gosh, it?s not like that in the movies.  So what did the 
scientific community have to say about your findings?  Do you have a lot of 
support?

?Yah, we got some support, here and dere, you know.  The evolutionists love 
me, you know.  The medical doctors awarded me a plaque for extreme quackery. 
And I think I?m up for an Oscar, or somezing, in Hollywood.  But you know how 
it is.  Always a lot of jealousy among the scientists.?

I see.  Well, thank you, Dr. Tickles, for your time.

And there you have it folks, the world?s first live interview with Dr. 
?Tickles? Wooflebreth.  As always we bring you the best of the best in new 
scientific research and discovery.  

When you need to know, you know where you can go.  This is Alec McZophkins, 
saying ?Good Night? from East Los Angeles.  

Back to you, Dan.

End of clip.

Jim Sutton